KATLINA SOMMERBERG

Safety Instructions for Your Self-Health Package

Dear Self-Health Patient,

The Office of Self-Health Opportunities in the Social Security Administration has sent you this package to comply with the All American Benefits Act. 

As you suffer from a treatable pre-existing genetic disorder and are without corporate health insurance, the government is obligated to give you treatment but not obligated to provide the same standard of care as an employed individual. Therefore, we have provided you with a single-gene overwrite cure in a single-use syringe.

If the cure is improperly administered, you are liable for the costs of any medical care necessitated by your pre-existing condition. This includes, but is not limited to, emergency room bills. A replacement syringe costs $20,000 payable by mailed check to the Office of Self-Health Opportunities.

This injection is intramuscular. Ideally, in the deltoid or the hip. If you cannot inject yourself in the deltoid or hip, enlist a caregiver, friend, or family member to administer the injection. If you inject the thigh, expect severe and persistent post-injection symptoms.

After injection, you are likely to experience the following: headache, post-injection bleeding, fatigue, and off-target effects. The first three symptoms usually abate after two weeks and disappear after two months. Off-target effects are unpredictable, lifelong ailments which may entitle you to another self-healthcare package to reverse the undesirable changes.

If you experience off-target effects, you are not entitled to financial compensation or unemployment benefits. 

Please fax the Department of Self-Health if you require assistance. Each question has a cover fee of $50. 

​

Christian Charrington
Deputy Commissioner of Self-Health Opportunities